Luke 17:3-4
“Be alert. If you see your friend going wrong, correct him. If he responds, forgive him. Even if it’s personal against you and repeated seven times through the day, and seven times he says, ‘I’m sorry, I won’t do it again,’ forgive him.”
Scripture quotations from The Message. © 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002 by Eugene Peterson. Used by permission of NavPress, Colorado Springs, CO. All rights reserved.
The other night, Timothy was sitting at the table drinking a cup of milk. He was holding his “Puff” – a loosely stuffed toy Puffalump bear that had been his mother’s when she was little. He said, “Aunt Debbie, Puff keeps hitting me in the head!” I told him to ask Puff to stop. He replied, “I did, and he keeps hitting me.” So I suggested that perhaps Puff should sit in another chair in “time out” until he could be nice. Timmy had an adorable conversation with “Puff,” lovingly chastising him and explaining why he had to go to “time out.” After a minute or so, he asked if Puff could come out again. I asked, “Is he ready to be nice?” He took Puff in his hands and asked, “Puff, did you think about what you did? Do you think you are ready to be nice?” Apparently Puff said “Yes”… but a few seconds later, he was “hitting” Timmy again and had to return to the chair!
This was a game… and a bit of role playing on Timothy’s part. He wants to please… and when he misbehaves, he is always sorry – for the moment. But at 3½, he is still sorting through how to honor his commitments. So we are quick to forgive him. But part of good “parenting” or teaching is making sure you forgive the child… but do not forget nor endorse the transgression. In other words, I can forgive Timothy’s “Puff” all day long for hitting him, but I cannot tolerate this behavior – and there will have to be consequences.
Here’s a grown-up example… in the book Adult Children of Alcoholics, author Janet Geringer Woititz, Ed.D., writes of alcoholics (and others) who ask for forgiveness…”The promises of reform, although shortlived, are believed because those who care want to believe them, and, as a result, they unknowingly become part of the disease pattern.” In other words, we want to forgive others… we are commanded to do so in scripture. But as a dear pastor friend of mine reminds me, there is a fine line between enabling and helping.
What does this mean for us as Christians? How do we know when we are truly operating in forgiveness… and when we have crossed the line into enabling? I am not sure I have an answer for you… but God does. We must stay in very close contact with God… we must study scriptures on forgiveness and fairness. We most certainly must not judge others. At the same time, we have to be very sure that the “offender” is forgiven and loved… but not supported in wrongdoing or poor judgment. In other words, as with Timothy or his toy, we may hug the child or the bear and tell them we love them – and then march them off to sit in a “time out” chair!
I have thought a lot about this as I studied these scripture passages on forgiveness. I have asked myself… “What does this scenario look like in terms of me as the offender and Jesus as the One who is being asked to forgive? What happens if He turns His back on me… and why doesn’t He do this?” I have concluded that Jesus never fails me, even when I deserve it. But sometimes He allows me to wallow in my own screw-ups for a while, so that I learn from my mistakes. And maybe that is the answer for us today. We must be careful to remain nonjudgmental… but maybe we are called to say, “You messed up, buddy… you’ll have to make restitution for this. There will have to be some fences mended – and trust will have to be regained over time. But I still love you… and I forgive you.”
You don’t necessarily have to forgive others in person. You do have to forgive them in your heart. Hear me well on this… unforgiveness will eat a hole in your soul – and it could separate you from God. I can’t say for certain that God will not forgive us when we don’t forgive others, but scripture makes it pretty clear that it’s not worth taking the chance! Ask God to give you a spirit of wisdom… and courage. When someone has behaved wrongly – whether toward you or someone else – forgive him/her in a spirit of love, grace and mercy. If you do this in person, extend forgiveness to the offender… but also offer to help him/her figure out how to move forward and rectify the situation once and for all.
One more thing… forgiveness is not about YOU… it’s totally about being obedient to God with regard to how you treat others. Do not make this about your feelings… how hurt or offended you are by this person. Jesus doesn’t do this. He doesn’t say, “After all I did for you, this is how you repay Me?” He may think it – and He would have every right to lower the boom on us – but this is where we see His amazing grace and mercy in play. So we must stay focused on helping this person who needs forgiveness to align his/her heart – and actions – with God. Remember that God knows you are hurting and offended…and He cares for you, as well. But if we are modeling Christian behavior, we will ask Him to help us put our feelings aside and focus on the needs of others.
Today is a great day to ask God to show us how to give the “Puffs” of our lives another chance at redemption without helping to push them further over the edge. Jesus is our Helper… not our enabler. Model Him to others and see just how richly God will reward you for doing so. Do this to honor Jesus and His amazing, unending capacity to offer grace, mercy, love and forgiveness to us. Forgive others over and again for His glory… and begin to heal your own heart in the process.
©2013 Debbie Robus
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